2 days left until......

O wonder of wonder o joy of joys. Christmas is nearly upon us. Woo to the hoo! Ok seriously.
"What are you doing for Christmas?" you may ask. I'm working. The day after? Working. 6 months from now .....if you guessed laying on a tropical beach sipping mai-thais you would be way off.

Don't get me wrong I still get time to hang out, which I usually spend at the dive around the corner from the hovel only because all the other places in which people hang out are closed by the time I'm ready to drag my carcass out of bed (god this a really fucking long run on sentence) because after work I catch up on sleep.

moving on.....

Last week I met a woman at the dive where I drown my sorrows. It was okay, actually it was pretty fucking great. The bartender introduces "Guy this is girl She's good people, Girl this is guy he's good people" We exchange pleasantries, talk for a little while and I come to find out that she did some time in Texas, plays guitar, blah blah blah.....she was really pretty and kinda fucked up (KA-CHING!!!) I buy her a beer and next thing you know she's all up in McNazty's kool-aid! (I haven't been kissed like that in YEARS!!) We went to the bartender's place to hang out after closing time. We talked a little more , made out a little more. She started promising me the world on a silver platter. I.E.: Wilco tickets, a place to stay, etc, etc. Which is kind of a strange thing to be offering some dude you just met in a bar.
And then after the bartender guy left the room to take a shower, it all made sense. she produced a bag containing some pretty high quality Bolivian marching powder. (I've only read about the stuff.....I swear)

I left soon after that. I had to be at work in 2 hours. I got together with her a couple of days later and her demeanor was totally different. She went from "cute girl who really dug me" to "cute girl who wasn't really interested"

God, I hope that there is some woman in this city that doesn't have to be out of her gourd on coke to find me interesting........

Hard to explain....(Christmas, loneliness, and other BS)

Loneliness is a bitch. I have been enduring a lot of that as of late. It's not even the physical side of it. I miss the little things like having someone to cook for, someone to nudge me awake in the morning, someone to talk to outside of work or the dive bar where I hang out. Today while hanging out in my hovel, staring at the walls I got a couple of calls from my ex. She wanted to talk about her relationship problems......ugh.

####

Call me a scrooge if you want to but I hate Christmas. I just can't stand it. The music, the piny scents, the cheesy lights, all of it. OK, I'll admit, the giving and receiving of gifts
is pretty good but I don't think I'll be doing any of that this year. But if you just have give something to someone I know a guy who could use a laptop, or a couple of grand.

"I can't just drop everything, I'm busy"

If you had asked me what I would be doing on my birthday at this time last year I know I wouldn't have said "sitting in an Internet cafe' in Chicago" It's funny what 365 days can do.

####

This lyric reminded me of someone. It's from Pavement:

" Ice baby,
I saw your girlfriend and she was
eating her fingers like they're just another meal"

You know who you are.

####
This morning as I was leaving the hovel make my daily rounds I saw a man in the hallway. He was older, gray haired, skinny, wrinkled, with a slight glaze over his eyes. I walked past him and he turned around and said to me "I just can't drop everything, I'm busy" then he turned and walked away.

I love this town.

####
Back to this whole aging thing. Today is the anniversary of when I was cut out of my mother because I couldn't stand being in her body any longer. I was born 3 months early, the doctors were surprised that I lived. I was a tough little bastard even then.

Stuff in the news

I gotta tell you it's been a strange week in the news.

1: A suspected burglar in Florida was eaten by an alligator while trying to flee from police...right now I'm thinking a little time in the slammer would have been a better alternative.

2: Jesus and Mary have appeared on a pancake. ....I wonder if you can go to hell for eating a sacred flap-jack?

3: A woman in California was hit by a freight train while trying to wave it down, yes she drunk.

4: To relive the drought the Gov. of Georgia held a prayer vigil on the steps of the capitol to ask God for rain....and they got some. Maybe I should just pray for a better job and a place to live that doesn't suck.

5: "Operation Hamburger Helper" A small herd of cattle escaped from the trailer that was taking them to the slaughter house....while the driver stopped off at a McDonald's. I guess they saw where they would end up.

6: I just heard this one George "Boy George" O'Dowd was arrested for allegedly chaining up a 28 year old Swedish male escort and using him for a sex slave. I really can't say I'm shocked by that at all.

Skip Divided

My Thirty-first birthday is coming in a few days. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know that I'm not anywhere near where I want to be in life. I have no wife, no children, no career. All of my other friends my own age have that stuff. I'm still slackin' like it's 1995.

####

Okay, let's end the pity party right now. I have to remember that at least I'm not like any of those people that you see on daytime TV talk-shows. Wanna know a secret? I watch Jerry Springer to feel better about myself.

####

I haven't been able to write much lately, I'm not really sure why.I have been pretty depressed, I usually write torrents of bad poetry and song lyrics when I'm in a funk like this. But right now I'm artistically constipated. Crap....pity party time again. Wah-wah, boo-hoo, sob sob. I'll try again when I have something funny to say

Loose Change

Siren's song in the night.

This is what my horoscope said today:


"There will be many false starts today, either in a romantic context or in some other, emotionally-charged arena. You will feel you've been promised something when no promise has actually been made. To protect yourself from being hurt, it is best for you to not have any expectations at all. There will not be any type of follow-through communication. That phone call or email is not going to make its way to you today, so do yourself a favor and focus on other things that you can do something about."

Man, the stars aren't kidding today as I was walking back to the hovel last night (technically this morning since it was around 1:00 AM) I came across a beautiful woman with an even more beautiful voice. I complimented her on her voice, as I walked by, she thanked me, and I kept going. I then stopped across the street and snapped this photo.:




I'm not sure if she saw me. I then went back and tried to strike, I said, "Wh-What's a zza pretty girl with an even prettier voicezz doin out in front of a recors store at 1 AM?" Keep in mind I was pretty drunk. What?, ......It was 1 AM do you really expect me to be sober at 1AM? She told me she was waiting for the band to come out of the Lakeshore Theatre. We did all the usual getting to now you interrogations and then I just said "okay, this is where I walk away awkwardly" Walk off however you want!" She laughed.....why didn't I get her number? I'm an idiot. That's why.

Wow, it's been awhile.

Okay, so I realize that I am doing a huge dis-service to my two readers by not posting for so long. Okay first things first, check this out:



Yep, that guy with the retarded look on his face, that's me. That other guy? That's Henry fuckin' Rollins. Quite possibly one of the happiest moments of my life, well at least since I have gotten to the Windy City.

Last night I got into an argument with a woman about the Sex Pistols, she tried to tell me they didn't write their own songs, then she tried to tell me that a band called the Cro-Mags were one of the original New York Punk bands (also not true they didn't record their first demo until 1985) then it evolved into an attack on my intelligence and social status "Where do you live?, WHERE do you work?" "I'm smarter than you" Which may very well be, a lot of people are smarter than I am. But I guess because I work a service job and live in a shitty place means I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to music....I realize that my inherent geekiness is never going to get me laid but goddamn it If you are going to slag on one of my favorite bands at least know what the hell you are talking about.

So it's Halloween...I really don't know what else to say about that, I'm not dressing up, I'm not doing anything special, I'm just working.... Well, here is something kind of scary...this is the boiler room in my building. The sign says (apologies for the blur, my camera sucks) "DANGER CARBON MONOXIDE FUMES INSIDE STAY OUT"

Trannies stole our lunch money.....

The weirdness seems to follow me where ever I go. I was working at the ice-cream franchise in boystown when this tacky looking tranny (that means transvestite/transsexual for anyone who may be reading this after coming out a cave after 50 years....) barges in, puts her/his hands on the counter and says "can I get a free scoop of ice cream" in a very rude fashion. I said very plainly "NO, you just cut the line" It turns out that he/she was distracting me whilst his/her partner fished a few dollars out of our tip jar. I swear there must be a special place in hell for tip thieves...

Then there was the guy at the corner grill the other day, he just creeped me out. I sat down at the counter close to the TV so I could watch Family Guy and this old-ish fellow (probably in his early 50's) looks at me. And says :"I like Stewie" (the baby with the football shaped head, English accent, matricidal/homicidal tendencies, and a bit of a swish in his step if you know what I mean) "that's my favorite character" "Yeah I like Stewie too" I replied, waiting patiently for my hot dogs. "What's your first name?" "P******" I replied. He told me his and shook my hand. He said that's a good name, there is a saint named after you, chased all the snakes out of Ireland" It was at that moment I noticed that the guy was eating just a hamburger patty, no bun, no lettuce or tomato, none of that just a single patty that he ate with a knife and fork. He finished his food, got up, looked over at me and said " Patrick, god is watching you so you be a good child of god" or something like that, it just gave me a creepy vibe.

Then there was the guy that said that Chicago was being run by the Aztecs (I'm pretty sure that he meant the Atlanteans) and that they traveled around around with a famous red-headed actress. Gee, and all this time I thought that the mob ran Chicago. He also said that he was a writer and was owed millions of dollars and that he had to pay even more money to get it it back.
Sounds to me like he was the victim of the Nigerian E-mail scam.



Do I have a neon sign over my head that says:"Crazy people stop here!"

Work, work, work.....

I now have two jobs, yep TWO jobs. There is the one at the mega-not as evil as I thought- coffee chain. And now I have one at an ice cream franchise, here is a hint: I am supposed to sing a song if I get a tip, but so far I haven't seen anybody sing. I'm not sure if I am going to stay there long because I have already heard some horror stories about the place, and the turn-over rate is really high. I'll stick with it for a couple of months and see what happens I guess.

Last night as I was walking back to my hovel with a sicks-pack of cheap beer (that typo is intentional BTW) a man approached me and said "Lookin?" (Translation: "Pardon me sir. Would you like to procure some illicit substances?) To which I replied: Nah, man, I'm alright. (Translation: No sir, I do not wish purchase what you have for sale at this time for you see I have never met you before in my life and to undertake such a venture with a complete stranger would be in the least foolhardy.) To which HE replied: "Shiiiit, I don't need yo bitch-ass then, I'm high and you not!!!" (Translation: Very well, I will find someone else to procure my wares, but I must tell you that you are missing out!) Then I said "Great, good for you buddy!" (Translation: I'm happy to see that you enjoy your chosen profession, but please leave me at once before I am forced to challenge you to a duel you Scoundrel!)
What really got to me is that he seemed offended that I didn't want to buy what ever he was selling. What the fuck?

Man, this town is getting better all the time.

Somewhere over the rainbow.

I just heard a song that brought back memories of days long gone. Before 9/11, before I actually gave a shit about anything, back when I was young(er) and pretty damned handsome If I don't mind saying. I was flooded with thoughts of dropping acid and cruising in my ex-girlfriend's car down to Galveston Island to watch the clouds and stars turn into angels and comets, of being able to laugh at just about anything because I was 22 didn't give a shit because I was 22 and I was pretty sure I was going to live forever, Damn, aging sucks ass. I look back on those days fondly but I don't wish to go back. It really is true that youth is wasted on the young.
I nearly broke down in tears but I managed to keep it together. Luckily, I'm in a public place right now and I would hate to have people think I am some sort of nut job. If this reads like I am rambling it's because I have had too much coffee and about 30 minutes of sleep in the past 24 hours, occupational hazard I guess.

My job is treating me well and I really like all of the people I work with, they have all been very welcoming to me. My only complaint is that I don't work enough.

I'm done rambling for now...I could really use a nap

deep in the throes of boredom

Blogging at the library can be a pain in the ass. I mean that literally, the chairs here are very uncomfortable. My job at the mega-coffee chain is going quite well the people there all seem to like me and I am working a lot (yay!). Aside from that life is pretty boring at the moment, it's that same old pattern of go to work, go back to shitty hotel room to sleep, repeat. Sometimes I mix it up a little and go to a bar down the street that has cheap beer and Wilco's Kicking Television on the juke box. The bartender there is quick on the fly with a joke too ( a good characteristic for a bartender in my humble opinion).

I'll post more tomorrow when I have more to talk about, I have OJ on the brain.....

Not much to say...

If you have been keeping track I didn't get the job at the ice cream shop. No big deal really, I didn't want to go back to scooping anyway.

I'm listening to Radiohead's "Airbag" at the moment. Every time I hear that song it stirs up a lot of strange imagery for me. Buildings collapsing, planes crashing, shit like that .....forgive my rambling.
I saw a man get hit by a bus the other day, well not the actual impact but the aftermath. I was at work, taking money from people who wanted overpriced coffee and the customer standing in front of me says "Did you see that? That guy just got hit by a bus!" I saw a man lying on the ground, I never got a clear look at his face for all the people standing over him. I know that he wasn't breathing. I didn't think much of it at the time other than "damn, sucks to be him!" Not to say I didn't feel bad for the guy, I did. It was just hard to get all weepy about it seeing as I was at work and this is a big city where shit like that is bound to happen occasionally, I just never thought I would see it with my own eyes. When I got "home" later that day it dawned on me "dude, I watched someone DIE!" Then I went to get a six pack to help me go to sleep.
Oh and how is this for being opportunistic; while everyone else in the cafe' was observing the accident outside our window a thief cleaned out our entire CD rack.


The nerve of some people....

As shitholes go....

I realize that I haven't posted in a while so I'm sorry for that. Things are starting to look up again. I have secured employment at a major coffee chain. (hooray!)I won't say which one but here's a hint: they are on every fucking corner. And I have a place to live...sort of. It's a rather swanky affair called the Abbott Hotel, it ain't nice but it's cheap. The people have been friendly but a bit on the noisy side. The fellow across the hall from me is prone to hawking up phlegm at strange hours of the morning and the people I share a bathroom with are a bit loud, especially if wrestling is on TV. In my mind it is a "all bills paid studio apartment in a great neighborhood". That's what I keep telling myself anyhow. I get free incoming calls and a TV came with the place. This is what one review of the place read: "The beds felt as if they were recovered from a 1920's brothel.....if you don't mind the smell of stale locker rooms, than the trip to your room through the halls should bring back some fond memories of your high school gym days..."
I have purchased a small fan and a couple of air fresheners to combat the stuffiness and strange odor But I have to admit that I do like the neighborhood I am in. I have found a pretty decent dive bar that gives you a free drink for every third one you buy, (sometimes every second one if the bar tender is losing track). Oh and I have an interview for an ice cream shop tomorrow which I am sure to get. Fingers crossed......

Adventures in transience part 2

Today my bed in the hostel got booked out from under me. I have moved into a seedy motel in the "boys town" area of Chicago. I asked a lady outside if the place was safe. She said "it's resonable" that doesn't exactly instill confidence in me. I have stayed in worse places though, not much worse, but worse. This trip is getting stranger everyday.

Adventures in transience

Okay, things are starting to look up. I have a job interview @ 2:30 pm tomorrow. I also found an add for a room to rent that is $90.00 a week on the north side, close to transportation (HOORAY!). I hope this all works out because I am REALLY tired of this hostel I am in. I have met some nice people here, the other day a pretty Canadian girl shared her blueberries with me, and on Sunday I got drunk with an English man and a Croatian bought beer for us. But the lack of privacy is STAGGERING! There are "certain things" I haven't done since last Thursday. But I will admit I have gotten used to life without TV. Fingers crossed!

Grond control to major Tom part 2

The past couple of days have been rough. My sister (who I shall now refer to as "the cunt") gave me the boot. I have found myself in a youth hostel north of downtown Chicago, close to Loyola University.


Two days ago "the cunt" told me she was going to take me to look at apartments, what I failed to understand was that she wanted me out THAT day. The "apartments" she showed me turned out to be a motel on a country road, while it was close to the Metra station, there was nothing else around in the way of food stores or any other kind of facilities. So I politely asked her if I could keep some of my things at her place for a few days while I went into the city to find work/employment. I wanted to keep my guitar in her house so the heat wouldn't ruin it, she declined. It had to go into her storage shed in the heat. I took it with me. I asked her if she could take me to get my package at the bus station in Indiana, she replied "the train goes to Hammond". Goodbye computer, bye-bye blanket, bye bye precious Rollins DVDs, bye bye collectible junk. I can only hope that she doesn't throw my things away.


I hope she get reincarnated as a tapeworm, I really thought getting slapped around by the same asshole as children would have created a bond. I guess I was wrong.

Ground control to Major Tom.....

I have landed. My trip was one of utter torture. I mean that, really I do. The first leg of my trip was spent with a 44 year old racist, bipolar, possibly schizo woman. She would NOT shut up I had to fake like I was falling asleep to get her to leave me alone. Here are some of the gems this woman said to me.

"Houston used to be so nice there weren't no Mexicans or n-----s, or anything like that " Upon hearing that I gave her a look of astonishment and then looked around at the other people on the bus to see if we were about to die seeing as we were two of only four Caucasians aboard.

Another gem: "You know why I hate Bill Clinton? 'Cause he had an affair with Monica Lewinsky." I just said "okay" and tried to go back to my book.

She also mentioned something about "angels" like "back in the 70's there were a lot of angels around Houston, (poking my arm at the elbow) you know, angels?" Maybe it was some king of slang for junkies, I have no idea. All I really know is that the woman wasn't all there. I was hoping we would part ways in Dallas where I had to change buses, but no, she rode with me all the way to Memphis, TN.
I'm pretty sure she was illiterate too, she kept asking me to look at her ticket to see where she had to go, I hope she made it okay, I have a feeling she might still be in Memphis.
In between Dallas and Texarkana, AR the driver got lost trying to find the station (was it his first day?) I had the sudden fear come over me that this was some kind of a ruse, like Deliverance meets The Hills Have Eyes. The driver would intentionally get us "lost" so a band of deformed hillbilly mutants could converge upon a bus full of city folk to have their way with us and eat our corpses for a late night meal. This song comes to mind
(I may be jumping around in continuity here, so bear with me I'm writing all of this as it comes back to me)
On the stretch from Memphis to Chicago. There was an interesting(read DUMB ASS) fellow. He was dressed from head to toe in Juggalo Gear. And he was on his way to a gathering of Juggaloes (or would it be Juggali?). He was telling anyone who would listen about how he was going to hitchhike his way 60 miles from his stop to get there. People were giving him a hard time, because he looked like an idiot, and for telling everyone of his plans to hitch. People were also rapping Eminem songs to him (because Juggaloes HATE Eminem). Yes it was a raucous time on the bus for a few hours, then the idiot got let off in some small town in southern Illinois.
After about five hours of relative silence I was in Chicago. "Finally, a chance to get some real food in my stomach" I thought be cause for 25 1/2 hours I subsisted on nothing but chips and soda. But alas, no, I had to go wait in line for yet one more bus to take me to Hammond, Indiana where I was to meet my sister. Why Hammond you ask? Because Hammond is closer to where my sister lives in Crete, IL. On the way there the bus had to make a stop at the 95th street station in Chicago, Oh joy of joys! There was a toddler who was just screaming at the top of his lungs, It wasn't a labored "I'm hungry, this bus stinks kind of screaming, oh no, It was a happy, joyful repetitive kind of noise that went on and on and on for well over an hour because traffic on the way to that station was horrendous! I am so glad I don't own a gun!
The bus station in Hammond Indiana is a quaint affair located to a very class act strip club with pepto-pink paint and fake palm trees on the outside. I was glad to be there though because that meant that my journey was over. I exited the bus collected my 100 plus pounds of gear met with my sister, stowed my gear in her car and then proceeded into the station to collect the package I had shipped along with me containing my computer, my precious Henry Rollins DVD's, my pillows, my blankey, and various collectibles I could not bear to part with. THEY FUCKING LOST IT! I have no idea if I will ever see those things again. I hope this is not an indicator of how things will go while I'm here.

Goodbye Texas!

Tomorrow afternoon I am catching the greyhound to start my new life in Chicago. I'm excited. I won't be able to post for a day or two so I'll leave you with this:

AWWWW YEEAH!

FUCK,FUCK,FUCK

Barry Bonds just hit home run number 755.Tying "Hammerin" Hank Aaron. I'm not pleased. Hank Aaron was a good, HONEST, ballplayer. Barry Bonds is a cheating bastard, a 'roided out freak of nature. This is a sad day for baseball.

This a pic of Barry From the 80's:

He looks pretty normal, his head and arms are normally sized.

Bonds today: He LOOKS LIKE A GOD DAMNED PRO WRESTLER!!!, If that 's not drugs then I want to know what the man eats!

I had to get that out of my system, I realize that the few people that read this aren't huge sports fans. So thank you for indulging me.

Joe Dresnok, an American in Eastasia, er, N.Korea

I saw this on 60 Minutes a few weeks ago. It really freaked me out. Just watch and you will see what I mean. Check this out.

Things I will miss about H-town. Things I won't

• Good Mexican food on every freaking corner.
• Scantily clad Latinas w
• No-Tsu-Oh
• Being in a minority (white, leftist, left-handed, liberal male)
• Shiner Bock
• ummmm, not much else.

Things I WON'T miss about H-town:

• The Heat
• The Humidity
• The "W" stickers on the two-story pick-up trucks. (the election was over THREE YEARS AGO, WE GET IT!!!)
• The pollution
• Mosquitoes
• My crack-head upstairs neighbor
• The fact that very few good bands come here
• The shitty public transportation
• The suburban feel of it (seriously this is the fourth largest city in the country but it doesn't feel like it.
• GRILLS
• Shitty Houston Hip Hop. (Who is Mike Jones? I don't care!, there hasn't been any good hip-hop from this town since the Geto Boys) DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA!

This says it all

How Does he DO it?

Slacker

I'm a damn slacker. I have gotten some things done today but not much. I meant to go pawn my stereo, but I didn't. I meant to go sell my X-Box. I didn't. I did clear out a whole closet full of crap. I keep wishing for more time, unfourtunatley it's a finite resource. It's time to kick ass.

Things just got real

I just got home from cashing the last check I will ever get from my last job. I got the the largest sum of money I have ever gotten at one time. Once I got the cash in hand I got really tense, my head started to hurt, and I got a little nauseous. I should be happy ,right? Why am I not happy? I'm just a bundle of raw nerve endings. I have to go buy my ticket tomorrow, I have to clean, I have to pack. I have to figure out if I am going to sell my X-Box 360 or keep it. I have too much to do. I feel sick....

Boredom.....

Okay, I'm not really liking this being out of work business. I know it's only been a day but this sucks ass. I don't like having too much free time. Free time=thinking too much. Thinking too much=depression. Daytime TV sucks, Right now I am watching something about doughnuts on the history channel. Yep. Doughnuts. I always wondered how they got the jelly into jelly doughnuts, now I know.

I met a nice German girl at the bar last night. She was into cool music, and of course she had a boyfriend. I also talked to a man who told me I should file for unemployment. "work the system", he said. I can't get paid to do nothing. Ethically I just can't do it. And I really don't like having too much free time.

I sold my collection of DVD's today. I got 75 dollars for 42 movies.I think I got gypped. The only ones I kept are my sacred Henry Rollins videos. C'est la vie.

I'll post more later, I have nothing better to do.

11:04 AM

This is strange. Normally at this time I would be freaking out because I would be horribly late for work. But here I am, blogging. I have nothing better to do I have a lot of stuff to do but I'm not doing any of it. I'm a lazy fucker. I'm blogging and yelling at the president on TV. I should be on my bike right now. I need to go on a ride today, If I don't I will feel strange. I don't want my body to go soft. I need the endorphin rush, the feeling of the muscles in my legs tearing and rebuilding, I'm addicted. I need to sweat.


Fuck I'm boring.....

no new tale to tell

Step one is out of the way. I sold off most of my books and a couple of my computer games, 40 pounds of literature and electronic entertainment for a whopping 27 dollars. I sobered up, no hang-over (yay). Then I shoved some fast food down my gullet. I was going to go shopping for a digital camera to document the great northern migration but it is pouring down rain outside. I like the rain, just not when I have to ride my bike in it. I realize that this is just a big waste of people's time. I'm just doing this to keep my mind occupied so I don't think about how utterly frightened I am. I may have said this before, but I can handle a lot, guns in my face, cars hitting me, county jail, but change? Change has me quaking in my boots. Being unemployed scares me to death. Moving on my own is freaking me out.


I'll stop boring you now....

It is done...

This is what mt horoscope said today.

SCORPIO:

"You're due for a change in your surroundings -- it's a great time to consider redecorating your home, repainting it, or even just rearranging your furniture a bit. Mixing up the way the physical space around you is organized will put you off of your routine in a good way. It will refresh your outlook about the world much more than you could imagine. Plus, it will reinforce how you are capable of affecting the world around you -- as little or as much as you would like"

Man, the stars aren't lying today. I have all this crap in my place that I don't know what the hell to do with. Furniture, television, pots and pans, so...much...STUFF. I would hate to toss it all, but, I really can't take it with me. I would just set the place on fire but I fear that the other residents of this apartment building would frown on that, not to mention that arson carries a stiff jail sentence.

Random thought: "Who knew Sponge-Bob was so subversive?" (That's what is on TV right now)

anyway....

#####

It is 11:56 AM and I am intoxicated. I woke up with a hang over ,the first in almost a week, (an accomplishment in my book) I decided to keep drinking instead of bearing with a headache. But what will happen when the booze runs out? It's best not to think about those things right now.

Yesterday, I spent the last 14 hours I will ever spend at my job er- my former job. It was sad. Throughout the 3+ hour "cleaning party" (hardly the get together I was envisioning) my assistant manager and I just looked at each other and said "Damn" It was anti-climactic to be sure. For the first time in nearly four years I am without steady employment. I'm going to miss all the people I have worked with over the years. It feels like saying good-bye to members of my family. What I won't miss is the feeling I am being judged by soft-headed children of privilige and ditzy Lohan wanna-be's.


I just yelled "fuck you" to the TV. Barry Bonds was talking about breaking the home run record. I hate that bastard.... Anyway...

I am on a precipice.

T-minus 1.5 days.

It's almost over one more day in that place and then I get on with the rest of my life. I can't wait. I am so tired of that place. Incredibly sick, nauseatingly sick, my head hurts every time I go into that place. After the shift is over we are supposed to have a going away party. I hope that will be fun. It will probably be bittersweet. As much as I complain about the place I will miss it.

the evens

This is one of my favorite new bands. They are called The Evens. They have been around for a couple of years so they aren't exactly "new" but they are new to me, and possibly you now. They are a two piece band but before you write them off as a "White Stripes rip-off" take a listen. The guy singing is Ian Mackeye of MINOR THREAT, and FUGAZI. The girl on drums is Amy Farina of THE WARMERS. I love their sound. I hope you will too.

T-Minus 3 days

I feel like a kid waiting for the last day of school. It kind of feels good. My life is about to change BIG TIME. I'm excited. I realize that this is going to be hard but I don't mind that. In fact I welcome it. My life here has become so stagnant lately. This will be fun.


I don't have much else to say right now, I might post more later.

T-Minus 4 days

I fell off the wagon last night. No, fell off is the wrong term. I jumped off. Do I regret it? Not really. I feel sick but that's okay. I really don't know what else to write about at the moment. I am giddy about my trip. I might take an Amtrack train. I have never ridden a train before.


I just saw this, it made me laugh:


Okay, more later.

Bomb Day.

I just saw this on youtube and I thought I would share it. This is Wayne Kramer of the MC 5. It's da shit.

I can't wait for this week to be over

My job ends on Friday. They moved the date AGAIN, if they do this anymore I am going postal. It's so hard to keep a straight face. I hate most of the people I have to serve. They don't treat me like a person. To them, I'm "the help". I hate being thought of that way. Why does the fact that i work behind a counter and wear an apron make me a second class citizen? A lot of customers avoid eye contact. It hurts. It's hardened me some, made me bitter. Is it okay that I am bitter at the age of thirty? I'm not sure that it is. I wake everyday and a sense of dread overwhelms me. I lay on my couch until the last possible minute. And then I greet the day with an extended middle finger. I used to LOVE my job. It was fun at one point. I made kids happy, how can someone NOT like that? I'm just angry now. This week can't end soon enough.

Things are looking up......sort of...

I talked to my older step-sister today. It was kind of strange. She takes after my dad a little. She's boisterous, and a little on the pushy side. She's a cool person. She offered to let me stay with her which is VERY cool. She lives in the suburbs of Chicago, but the upside is that there is a train that runs from there into the city. (very cool)

The job interview this morning could have been better. They didn't call me until after 10AM. I was nervous and under slept. They didn't care for the fact that I didn't have a driver's license. I get this impression that they think of me as the title character in The 40 Year Old Virgin. I don't drive and I ride my bike everywhere. They told me that if hired I would have to train Aurora Illinois. (I stifled myself before I made the gratuitous Wayne's World reference.) That's where not having a car comes to bite me in the ass. They are having a job fair next Wednesday for people who actually live in the area.




I can only hope that all the other applicants are mentally challenged....

Time....

I have 43 minutes until my interview. I am nervous as hell. I'm tired. I have been up since 04:30 hrs. I feel like shit. It's raining outside. I'm spewing thoughts just for the sake of spewing. I'm hungry. I'm waiting for my hard boiled eggs to cool off. There are 36 minutes to go now, time flies when you are saying nothing. I'm watching C-span....god I'm boring. 35 minutes to go.

I hate job interviews, I want this to go well. I'm under-slept and overworked(mentally), but the won't know that .......33 minutes to go.

Why do I do this?

I am in that same pattern I get myself stuck in every few months. I drink myself stupid for a long period of time then I have a moment of clarity and think to myself "Fuck me, I'm a mess" And then I try to wean myself off of the shit. I feel strange when I am sober. My brain is overactive. I have a hard time sleeping, I get achy and irritable.I'm tired but not sleepy. I know if I try to lay down I will just toss and turn and listen to the chili-dogs in my stomach digest.(Chili-dogs= McNazty's favorite comfort food)

I hate myself right now. (not in a self loathing kind of way, it's just my situation) I can't focus. The TV is too loud. I have too much stuff. I can't think straight, I can't think straight, I can't think straight, I'm sick of hearing about Harry Potter. I'm worried about people. I'm worried about my mother. I'm worried for people in Iraq. I'm worried for the people of America. If you haven't figured it out by now I'm typing random thoughts that come to mind just to let them out. I'm itching like a junkie who needs a fix. My guitar is horribly out of tune. I need to shave. I need a haircut. I need to clean my apartment. I need to....stop. What the hell am I going to do?

one-oh-one.

I am on day two of my second foray into sobriety. I feel okay I guess. Nervous more than anything. I have a job interview in the morning, 09:00 hrs. I really want this job. It will be a huge load off of my troubled mind.

######

Today was the day I told the rest of my staff that they would be unemployed by this time next week. I'm not okay with this. I wish there were something I could do for them. They are all good kids. It's just shitty being in my position. I feel I am about to walk off a cliff and there is nothing I can do to prevent it.

There is not much else I can think to write about now, I'm hungry and craving something boozy. I'll write more when the DT's set in.

Aussies....

For My hundreth post I thought I would add something special:


I always knew that Austrailians were a tough lot but this takes the cake...
chasers war on everything

Add to My Profile More Videos

Video Bar and Spiders on drugs

I found this clip on a friend's Myspace and I thought I would share it with my faithful few readers.

I also added a video bar to the ol' boggity blog i have entitled it "PUNK ROCK". It has clips by the Sex Pistols, Black Flag, and MC5. Okay, some of you are probably thinking: "who the hell is MC5, they certainly don't look like punk-rockers. Why, this stuff is from the 60's! Punk rock didn't happen until the 70's There is a psychedelic,hippy liquid projection in one of these videos!" I know this. But I feel that the MC5 and other heavy rock bands of the late 60's laid the bedrock for the punk movement of the 70's and that is why I have included it. Just listen to the riff in "Kick Out the Jams" and you will see what I mean.

I feel sick

I drank too much last night. My stomach is queasy. I have been spending too much time with my old friend AL(cohol). If booze is so bad for you why is Guinness so tasty? Why are the legal drugs so hard to kick?

I have some experience with drugs, I have done everything under the sun except for crack and heroin.I walked around with a monkey on my back called cocaine on and off for a few years.In the 90's it was psychedelics, if it made you see pretty colors I did it. I was never much of a pill popper though. I guess I never trusted drugs that were made by "the man". Up until a few months ago I was a hardcore pothead. I don't think pot is bad. I think it should be legalized, in fact, I think it should be prescribed to people like my dad. I just stopped doing it because it made me too lazy. I just sat around and did nothing, I was too lazy to even play a video game. I couldn't write I couldn't even pick up my guitar (I could pick it up physically. But playing the thing was a complete waste). So now, I just drink. Hi my name's McNazty, and I'm an alcoholic. I may try to quit again. I think I will try to see how long I will last without the stuff. The last time I went almost a whole month without a drink. The first five days were the worst as evidenced here and here. I felt like this song sounds, paranoid and chaotic inside.It was difficult to string thoughts together, I felt weak. It was rough to say the least. I need to get my shit together.
#######
In other news I have the second interview with the pet hotel people. I really hope I get this. I think it would be a good job for me.I'm better with animals than people most of the time. The last interview was pretty intense I really thought I was crashing and burning but the person liked me enough to pass me along to the people to my potential superiors.

#######

I watched the film Sicko last night. It was really good. I always knew that the U.S. had a shitty health care system. Did you know that Nixon played a big part in what our system has become? Did you know that in France you can call a doctor to come to your house like you would a plumber? FOR FREE? In Britain the cost of prescription drugs is 6.65 pounds (about 13 bucks) per script, NO MATTER WHAT THE DRUG! Anything from penicillin (cheap) to HIV drugs (expensive as hell). In freaking CUBA, A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY, there is a doctor on practically every block, and they also make house calls. I am so sick of the greed in this country. The only reason my mother qualified for medicaid is because she is old and poor and disabled. I'm young and relatively healthy so I probably wouldn't qualify. America is still the richest country world (last time I checked anyway) why is it that it's citizens are unhealthy and 63% of it's high school graduates can't find Britain on a globe. (That number may be wrong, oh and I'm a high school dropout but I can find Britain on a globe) Somewhere, George Orwell is probably having a good chuckle and saying "I told you so". If you keep the people dumb, sick, and scared they will be compliant . Actually, now that I think about it, Oceania probably had a good health care system.

W.T.F.

Yesterday I had a job interview with a pet hotel in Chicago and guess what, they actually want to do a second interview! WHAT THE FUCK? A second interview? ME? WOW... I'm still a little shocked by it. They asked me if I could be in Chicago in on the 23rd for an in-person interview. I told them I was still obligated to my current employer, they said they would set up another phone interview. W.T.F.? I still can't believe all of this. *fingers crossed*

In other news: I may have to say goodbye to a dear old friend....my computer, I figured since I would be moving I should try to get rid of as much as I can. But fear not, I will use the money from the sale of my big beige box to buy a sleek new lap-top.

#####

I will post more later I just looked at the clock and realized that I have to go to work now.

Goldstien? (correction)

In my last post I stated that none of the Iraq bechmarks had been met. I was wrong, it was half Sorry for that. More later

Goldstien?

You ever notice that whenever things start going REALLY bad for Gov. Bush the chatter starts about Al Qaeda again? It reminds me of George Orwell's 1984. If you haven't read it you should. There is serious talk of pulling out of Iraq, NONE of the "benchmarks" for success there have been met, there are people in congress pushing for impeachment, everyone is throwing a fit about EVERYTHING the man has done and then, suddenly, Fatherland...'er...Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff says he has a "gut feeling" that Al Qaeda is going to attack the US this summer. *cough-bullshit-cough*

I'm not saying that Al-Qaeda isn't a bad organization,or a threat, that would just be stupid. What I AM saying is that they are being used by our own government as tool of misdirection.

If the people are scared they won't pay attention while the government picks their pockets, takes away their freedoms, and marches off their young to die in the desert.

WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.

Is my skepticism misplaced?

So tired....

I'm worn out. I haven't been able to do much latley but eat and sleep. I force myself to go to work when I have to. I'm always late. I guess it doesn't matter really. Why should I care about being ontime to a job that I will only have for 11 more days anyhow? (They moved the date to 7/26) My mother's condition has worsened. She has pnuemonia. I don't handle death well. I tend to run from it, I shut it out, I try to pretend it's not happening. I think this is because after my grandfater died my mother turned into a complete basket-case. She could barely function. She would break down at family gatherings. She turned into a different person after that. I guess I don't want the same thing to happen to me.I tried to talk to her today. That was hard. She can barely talk since she has a tube in her throat now. To make matters worse there was some kind of interference on the line and I could barely hear anything except for what sounded like radio commercials. It's really tough to talk to your dying mother while someone is trying to hawk their wares in a pleasant voice in your ear. I hate this feeling. I feel powerless.

I'm Finding it harder to be a gentleman 2.0

I feel like my head is going to explode. There are so many rude and sarcastic things I want to say to people. I hate it when people ask me stupid questions Like this,
Q:"Where are your flavors"
A:..."On the menu"
Q: "Do y'all have vanilla ice cream?"
A: "What the fuck do YOU think!"
Q: " Are Y'all open?"
A:" No ma'am I live here, I eat nothing but ice cream and I bathe in the sink"


I could go on and on but you get the idea. I can't wait for this to be over.......

Beat my head against the wall....

Things are looking up a bit. I got a positive response from one job I applied to. (HOORAY!) I will e-mail them tomorrow and look into it further.

Today I found out that my job will be ending on 7/22(sooner than I thought). I will be working my ass off for the next ten days. (yay...not really) On Sunday I get to break the news to all of my employees that they will not have a job anymore. I am dreading this. I would rather impale myself with an ice cream spade. I would rather hang myself with barbed-wire. I would rather go on a date with John Wayne Bobbit's ex-wife(or my ex-girlfriend for that matter). On the upside I will have more time to put my affairs in order before I make my northern migration.(HOORAY!)

Rejection...

This was in my inbox this morning:

"Thank you for your interest in employment opportunities with 7-Eleven. At this time we do not have an opening that would best use your current skills and experience. If you should see another position advertised which may be a better fit with your background, please feel free to contact us at that time. Again, thank you for your interest in 7-Eleven and best of luck in the future. **7-Eleven is an equal opportunity employer.**"



I applied online for an assistant managers position. In my application I told the truth, that I had 4+ years of management experience. What does that say about me? I got rejected by 7 fucking 11!

I'm finding it harder to be a gentleman....

Work is getting harder and harder to cope with as the days go by. How do I keep myself invested in a job that I know I won't have in a couple of more weeks? How do I fight the urge to say "You can have two scoops of SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I'm having a hard time with this. I really just want to let these people have it. I want to tell people "NO, you CAN'T pay with your mom's credit card you little BITCH! GET A FUCKIN' JOB!....lazy sod." I just don't get how I am supposed to pull this off without punching somebody.

Finally, a GOOD movie this summer

I saw Transformers today. IT KICKED ASS! It delivered everything you expect from a summer movie. Mediocre acting, lots of stuff blowing up, GIANT FREAKING ROBOTS DUKING IT OUT! I loved it. I'm going to see it again soon.

Live Earth, My thoughts.

I must say that this is one hell of a thing that Mr. Gore has put together. Out of the performances I have seen I must say that Smashing Pumpkins rocked the house. Billy Corgan is in fine form. Wolfmother(who I am listening to via the web as I type this) is a pretty bad ass band too, this is the first time I have heard them live and I have to admit I am really impressed.
Roger Waters reminded me why I still like Pink Floyd's older stuff more than I will ever like anything they did after he left the band. Out of what i have seen that is what I have been impressed by so far.

The Beastie Boys, usually a powerhouse live, didn't really impress me this time around.Ad Rock flubbed a couple of the words in Sabotage, maybe that was the last song in the set and they were tired, I don't know. I wish I had been there to see it for myself instead of seeing clips on TV. Bon Jovi proved that they are still a bunch of wankers, as did the Police when they brought out Kanye West (Who did a really good set by the way) and John Mayer. I have never been huge fan of the Police but they are respected enough that they really don't really NEED to share the stage with younger, hipper acts.

Metallica is on now and I just noticed that James Hetfield is starting to look like Tom Waits. (Maybe it's just me)

Limbo....

I feel strange today. The weather here has been strange. I read in the paper that in the past 35 days only 7 of them have been without rain. I like rainy days but this is too much. I miss the sun.
I could have died yesterday. Usually when people are spared from the big sleep they have some sort of epiphany, like, "Fuck, man, I could have DIED. FUUUCK! GOD has spared me for a reason. I am going to stop drinking and turn my life around. I'm going to help inner city children learn how to read. I am going to be the best motherfucker I can be! I am going to warn professional wrestlers about the dangers of steroids. I am going to get religion and witness to the masses!"
That didn't happen for me. I look at the scab on my right hand and nothing has changed. I have a good story. That's it. I'm the same guy. Is that normal? I don't know. I thought I would have some sense of purpose after yesterday. I don't. I'm just as confused as ever. My life is still in limbo. "Doubt" is still fucking with me. (Now more than ever)


Being a grown-up sucks!

My life flashed before my eyes yesterday.....

WOW,
Okay, while I was riding my bike home from work yesterday I got into a minor altercation with two things that frighten the hell out of me. The first being a large dog (possibly a boxer ) the second being a car. I was about two miles from home when the dog started chasing me. I panicked. To get away I cut across one half of the street to the median. Unfortunately for me when I got to the median my brakes didn't cooperate with me and I smacked into a car. I nearly caused an accident. The driver of the car I ran into did not see the dog I was trying to get away from. He asked if I needed an ambulance, I didn't. I skinned my right hand a little bit, it's a little swollen still but it's not broken. I pushed down on my hand with some insane amounts of pressure and it only hurt a little, and it doesn't hurt to move my hand so it's a pretty safe bet that there are no broken bones. (I hope) This would be the worst time for me to get a cast on my hand. I think I will be okay. I remember when my ex broke her hand it swelled up like a balloon and she had little to no dexterity. When it rains it pours. If I ever find the owner of that dog I might break my hand on their jaw.

Gluttony

Oh we are truly living in some strange times. This is considered a sport. I will admit that I love a good hot dog but really, why the fuck would anyone consider this a sport? All the news attention that this gets infuriates me just a bit.

A diversion is needed.

Okay, life has been so fucked up for me I need to take my mind off of things. "And how do you do that McNazty?" So glad you should ask! I bitch about the president!





SO! A few days ago President Skroob, er Bush commuted the sentence of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. His reason for for this was that he felt that the 30 month sentence was "excessive". This coming from the man who allowed 160+ people to death while he was the governor of Texas. What about them? Don't you think that maybe some of them desrved to have their cases looked at a second time? (At least a few of the people from Houston).

Blues Jam

They always pry,
They Always want to know why
And then they pull you in
And then you want to die


You'll burn so deep inside
And then it gets on top of you
It won't let you go

Believe me when I tell you
Life will not break your heart
It'll crush it

You never felt so good
You never felt so well
And then you open your heart right up

And say "come on in"
And that's when you stop breathing, man
And the bleeding will never end

Heart smasher
Knives in your mind


-Rollins Band

"Blues Jam"



#######


That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. This morning I found out that my mother is on life support. There is a tube running from her heart to her brain. I just got off the phone with one of my employees. The cat is out of the bag. People know that they are going to be out of a job soon. I feel like there is a HUGE FUCKING WEIGHT that has just been set on my shoulders. I just want to run away. Go to Alaska, Canada, anywhere but here and now. I don't know how much I can take. I feel sick, my heart is beating out of control, I'm tense. I want some serious fucking drugs (don't worry I won't be making any calls to the dope-man. I'm broke)

I'm a selfish bastard.....

When it rains it fucking pours. My little sister just called me. My Mother is in the hospital. She could die. The sad part of all of this is that (aside from the obvious...Mom dying thing.) the first thought in my head wasn't: "Oh fuck, Mom's gonna DIE!" No. My first thought was. "This is really going to fuck up my moving plans." I can't say this isn't expected, her health has been in the toilet since the mid 90's. Is it wrong for me to say that her timing SUCKS....(god that is SO WRONG of me.) "Hey mom can you wait another year to die when I am in a better place financially?" FUCK!!! I'm such a bastard for feeling this way.

Okay, I can do this, I can do this , I can do this, I can....

I'm trying my best not to freak out. I have decided to move to Chicago, Illinois when I am finished with my current job. I have been looking on Craig's list at rooms to rent. I have spent HOURS looking through ads and posting responses. So far the responses I have been getting are less than encouraging. It seems one person doesn't want to rent me a room because I am coming from out of state and they are afraid I would not follow through with my obligations. Another person only wanted to rent to a woman. Actually I have seen a lot of that and I have flagged every ad I have seen saying "women only" for discrimination. (One guy actually asked if I was male or female after I signed off with my name. I don't know ANY ladies with my name. This whole thing is daunting. There is this little voice in my head called "Doubt". Every time i start looking through ads for cheap housing, or a job. Doubt will chime in. Doubt will tell me I can't do this. Doubt will tell me that I am a loser. Doubt will tell me that I will end up freezing to death on the street in the middle of a Chi-town winter. Doubt tells me that I will have to move in with my parents in Missouri. Doubt SUCKS!

The almighty Rollins says that if you wanna see someplace new you just have to pack up and just GO. I am trying to keep this in mind. I'm trying to stick the middle finger in Doubt's face. But at times Doubt just stares at me indifferently. Other times Doubt laughs at me like a
mother-fucker sneering at me and showing me his bloody fangs because he just took a chunk out of my heart and ate it. I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack. I want to kick it in Chicago so bad. I just need to kick the shit out of that asshole named Doubt.

Last Night...

I went to The Proletariat with an old fried whom I have known since I first came to Houston. It was a good time. My throat is hoarse from "club speak" for 3+ hours. There was a really good band playing , and on the way to the club I stopped at a record shop that had a Rollins DVD I hadn't seen yet. All in all it was a great evening. There was only one snag. At one point in the evening I went to the bar to get a pint of beer.The standard procedure when ordering a drink at a bar ( the last time I checked ) was this: 1. Walk up to an empty space at the bar. 2. Wait for the bartender to acknowledge you and place your order.3 Pay, tip, and go on about your business. Apparently I had broken some sort of rule and cut in line. I got a stern talking too from some hipster girl who thought that she was important. "You didn't SEE the line of people waiting!?" She said. "NO" I said, then I noticed the large group of hipsters crowded up behind her. I just took a sip from my beer and walked away. Kids these days.


More later......

Writing for the sake of writing.

I really don't know what to write about so I am just going to start spewing whatever comes to mind.

• Yesterday I got into an argument over virtues of the N'sync. I conceded that while the boys in the "band" (I use that term VERY loosely) are talented individuals. The MUSIC SUCKS ASS. It's disposable schlocky bullshit designed to steal money from pre-teen girls.
• Tasteless observation of the week: Am I the only one that finds ironic that Chris Benoit hung himself with the cord from his weight machine? I can't say I was a fan of the guy. (I haven't watched wrestling since the early 90's) But I do know what those guys go through. If you ever get the chance you should rent Beyond The Mat. It's a fascinating look behind the scenes of pro-wrestling. Maybe Benoit was going to lose his title the night he was supposed to be here in Houston I'm pretty sure that comes with a pay-cut. Maybe the stress of getting the shit kicked out of himself night after night made him snap. Most likely though his wife was probably going to leave him and take their son with her. God, why can't people leave a note when they kill their family and then themselves? Especially when you are a famous guy who is loved by rednecks everywhere.
• I really don't know what else to say right now so I'll stop here.

I'm Scared (part 3, decision time)

Okay. I have some options here. I can stay with the company and keep the same rate of pay, or I can accept 3 weeks severance pay and try to find another job. With three weeks pay I could get the hell out of Houston and try to start over someplace new. I have one hell of an opportunity here. What would you guys do?

I'm scared. (Update)

I have a meeting today with a corporate big-wig that is going to tell me something that I am not supposed to know yet. I have to act surprised.(Fortunately, I am a decent actor.) I am tempted to ask if I can be let go and given a severance package. I want to get the hell out of Texas and I think two months pay would be just enough to get started in my new digs. Of course I realize that this could backfire on me and I could just get fired for being such a ballsy fucker. I am dreading this. I have knots in stomach. I have been avoiding human contact. I forced myself NOT to drink last night (that kind of sucked). I haven't been this uncertain about life in years. I don't like it. I hate feeling like I'm not in control of the events in my life. I'm too old to go back to sleeping on other people's couches. (this is more than just pride talking) I've gotten offers to already. I like my own couch. So I have to respectfully decline.

I'm scared

I just got news today that the store I work at is going to be closing at the beginning of August. I thought I had another 6 months until this happened. I thought I had six months to save my money and put a resume' together. Now I have ONE. I won't be completley out of a job. My superiors have told me that I am of value to the company. But it does mean I will probably be getting a pay cut. I know I have stated several times that I am not a huge fan of my job, but I wasn't going to quit until I found another one that paid the same amount of money. I don't want to take a pay cut. I like being able to afford to live on my own and not have to depend on anyone but me to keep a roof over my head. Of course I am not supposed to know any of this yet. But my boss told me because they told him, but i can't tell any of my other employees. Oh GOD! I'm dreading that. "Hey guys guess what?....." fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.......FUCK!!!! So I think I will be starting a collection so I don't have to start doing "favors" for older men to keep a roof over my head.

Oh GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD!!!!!!!!

Tell me THIS isn't fucked up. A new proposal would fast-track citizenship for illegal immigrants aged 18-24 IF they join the military. I guess recruiting numbers are that low....

Father's Day.

"As my bones grew they did hurt,They hurt really bad,

I tried hard to have a father, But instead I had a dad,

I just want you to know that I don't hate you anymore,

There is nothing I can say that I haven't thought before"







-Kurt Cobain,

Serve The Servants.







####





I wasn't raised by my biological father. I didn't meet him until I was 19 when my parents thought it would be good for me to get the hell out of town because I had warrants out for my arrest. (for probation violation, I was on probation because I got caught shoplifting. I got caught shoplifting because I made a stupid mistake...anyway, I'll have to tell that story sometime soon).



So I will tell you all about my step-father. He's an alcoholic truck driver from Chicago. He's an asshole who smacked my mother, sisters, and me around for no good reason. He once called me "worthless" because one time in the third grade I used the wrong tape to record Little House On the Prairie. (On BETA no less) He once beat the shit out of my mother and called her a N***** lover repeatedly for going to a black urologist.

He's a huge beast of a man. 6'3" 300 lbs. He has huge hands, a loud booming voice and a beer gut that forbids him from seeing his feet. He drinks a case of natural light every day. He looks kind of like Archie Bunker but bigger. I would show you all picture of the man but it has been raining all day so going to Kinko's isn't an option. It's odd. I love the guy. He raised me, but he also traumatized the fuck out of me. I startle easily. To this day whenever I hear a pick-up truck pull up I get nervous just like I did when I was a child and he was getting home from work. I never knew what kind of mood he would be in. I don't know how much I want to tell you about him. It took my little sister beating the shit out of him and a night in jail to get him to wise up and get some help. He is now on anti-depressants and benzodiazopines. I wish I could say it was me, but I'm a fucking coward. Some kids were scared of the bogey-man. For me the bogey-man was my dad.

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THIS...

I really think the apocalypse is coming. When the Presidential primaries come in 7 months I just might vote for a republican. Ron Paul makes sense to me. After reading some of the things I read on his website I was blown away. He Voted AGAINST the Iraq WAR, the Patriot Act, and internet regulation. WOW, a conservative who's head ISN'T up his ass. While Obama tows the party line, and Hilary tries to figure out her identity this guy just makes sense.
I'm now going to go outside and see if there are frogs falling out of the sky.

yeesh,

I had my food service class yesterday. WOO-FUCKING-HOO! 7 hours of sitting in a classroom reviewing stuff I already knew. The thing that bothered me the most was the seeming ineptitude of some of the people there. There were people who didn't know how to fill out a scan-tron sheet. "It's just like filling out a lottery ticket" The instructor said. After that some of them got it. Some people still needed help. I'm pretty sure I passed the test. I was the first one finished. I only needed to score a 70 (I scored a 90 the last time). There was a Japanese woman that I felt sorry for. She couldn't read English, she could speak it quite well. But what really got me was that they had the test in Korean, Mandarin, Urdu, and Hindi, but no Japanese. (You would think in the city with the largest Asian population in the country would be able to accomadate a Japanese person.) Oh, and how is this for irony. During the lunch break I bought a ham sandwich from the vending machine. It was expired, and the ham was BROWN! AT THE GODDAMNED HEALTH DEPARTMENT! I persevered. Doesn't that just make you eat out in Houston?

Food Service.....fun stuff

YAY. Tomorrow I get to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to go to food service management class to learn a bunch of stuff I already know. I will share some of this superfluous knowledge now.

• cooked food stays good at room temperature for four hours, after that it is subject to all sorts of nasty bacteria like E-coli, salmonella, and other nasty food borne-illnesses.
• you can't serve food to people if you have a runny nose.
• All restaurants have cockroaches, it's a fact. They hide in every dark corner they can find, but if you see them running around the counters at your favorite eating establishment you probably shouldn't eat there (and call the health department)
• The proper temperature to cook chicken to is 160 degrees Fahrenheit
• For pork it is 150
• for beef it is 140
• None of this stuff applies to the ice-cream business (well except for the cockroach thing)

This is going to suck....

I REALLY HATE THIS GUY!!!!

“They can try to have their vote of no confidence, but it’s not going to determine — make the determination, who serves in MY government,There’s been no wrongdoing.”


-George W. Bush, a couple of days ago. (In regard to the proposed "no confidence" vote regarding Alberto "I can't recall" Gonzales)




Isn't it OUR government? Orwell must be rolling in his grave.

Who Knew?

Today at work a woman gave me a twenty dollar tip for serving her 10 minutes before the store opened. I tried to tell her that it was too much. I felt embarrassed. (It was essentially a 1000% tip.) "No, this is too much" I said, "I can't accept this" I said. She insisted. I took it. I told myself that the money would go towards something I needed to spend it on (like bills or food or something like that.) I spent it on a bottle of whiskey and tic-tacs. (I certainly didn't need the whiskey. But who can't use a tic-tac every now and again? After that I got a phone call from my boss concerning a customer complaint. The customer was upset as to how I handled a query concerning the ingredients in the ice cream. She asked if it contained eggs because her son was allergic. I told her "no, the only ones that have eggs in them are the ones that are labeled "custard" (because eggs are a main ingredient in custard...I have been in the ice cream business a long time. I know these things. The customer's complaint included that I didn't bother to look at any documentation concerning this issue. I didn't think I had to because I knew what I was talking about. It turns out I was wrong. It DID contain eggs, but the ingredients list did not say that, so technically I was off the hook. (the kid did not suffer any kind of reaction either) But what if that kid had died from what I told them it was okay to eat?
That mom would associate my face with her son's death. Even though technically it wouldn't have been my fault I don't think that mother would have felt the same way and I would have a kid's death on MY HEAD. (Who knew the ice cream industry could be fraught with moral dilemmas such as this?)

****

Aside from that I learned that cherry cola and whiskey taste TERRIBLE together. (not undrinkable, just not great.) Who knew? I like cherry cola, I like whiskey, I thought it would be great. Oh well.

What the fuck.....

Recently declassified government documents state that research was conducted on a "Gay Bomb" in 1994. How fucking absurd is that. Could you imagine? :

*BOOM* "Hey, Hamid. I really wanted to kill some Amerikans today, but how 'bout I just do you, and give you a reach around instead? "Sounds good there Ahmed, let's go!"

I really do not what else to say about this. This government never ceases to amaze me.

Things I have wanted to say but didn't

• "Ma'am, I hate to tell you this, but your son is going to be a huge pillow-biter when he grows up" (to the mom picking out a Strawberry Shortcake video for her son.)
• " If I hear the words "TWO FOR SOMETHING" come out of your mouth one more time I will eat your fucking face!" (to the old lady who I was stuck in line behind in the express lane who kept saying "These are two for something" over, and over, and over.)
• "Whoa!, I think it moved a little" (To various good looking women who have come into my store)
• "WILL YOU LET ME FINISH A GOD-DAMNED SENTENCE" (to various customers who seem to be in a huge hurry to get their deserts)
• "USE YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL" (To various stepford wives on the road who can't seem to hang up the phone and drive. I can't count how many times I have been nearly taken out by a land rover.)
• "Kid, you DON'T NEED THAT MUCH ICE CREAM! YOUR ASS IS HUGE, where's your mother I'm gonna slap her" (to all of the morbidly obese children that come into my store, I'm sorry but there is something wrong when a kid in the third grade can compete as a light-weight fucking SUMO WRESTLER)
• "Be glad that you are good looking" (to various dingy teen aged girls who say things like "and I was like----, and she was like-----, and like, oh my GOD, have you heard the new Fergie song?) AHHHHHHHHHHH!
• "Dude, you look like a fucking douche-bag dressed like that, oh wait that's because you are a douche-bag" (to all the guys that wear pink polo shirts with plaid shorts and flip-flops and have names like "Sterling" and "Preston")

I could go on for another hour or so but I have to sleep a little more before I go to work. Damn, that was cathartic.

Yes, this is why!

Thank you to the Boob Lady for turning me on to this comic. I think this one describes my drinking habit perfectly.

I'm just a body full of holes.....

I stole the title of this post from Minty, who stole it from Wilco. I went to see my EX today. It went well enough. Then I got home. There were six messages on my voice mail. I still care about her I always will. But there is no chance of us getting back together for anything more than a friendship. She wants more. I can't give her that. I can't. This song describes how I feel perfectly.

2000 flushes....

This yet another sign of how old I am getting. I bought a pack of 2000 flushes. It turns the toilet water blue. Yep, I'm a 30 year old man with blue toilet water. I'm straight, really. I have decided to keep a "flush log" to see if this stuff really lives up to it's name. Further proof that I have no life. I have been counting down and have decided to associate a flush with a year. This is what I have so far:

2000: "Dubya" gets "Elected" FLOOSH!
1999: I met my ex. FLOOSH!
1998: I endured a really BAD, BAD, HORRIBLE relationship with a girl that liked to fuck my friends more than me FLOOSH!
1997: I went to jail for a month. FLOOSH!
1996: I moved to Houston FLOOSH!
1995: I tried drugs for the first time, lost my virginity, and got arrested for the first time. FLOOSH!
1994: I dropped out of high school, Kurt Cobain checked out, one of my best friends moved away. FLOOSH!
1993: I was an awkward geeky kid who looked like a 5th grader in HIGH SCHOOL. FLOOSH!
1992: I tried booze for the first time FLOOSH!
1991: I started high school in a place full of red- neck pan-sexual cowboys and jocks that all wanted to kick my ass because I was small and had more than a few brain cells. (God, I hated that place.) FLOOSH!


That's where I'm at right now. Jeez, I spend a lot of time in the bathroom.

Resoloution, Justice, and Reflection.

Resoloution.


I spoke to a customer service rep at Microsoft today. It turns out that the people at UPS are smoking some good shit. They tried to return my XBOX to me before it was even repaired. I will be getting it back in about a week from now. That makes me happy (sort of).


Justice.


I was contemplating whether or not I should even waste my time with this person. Then I read this. Oh, and this picture was priceless. (if you look at the photo on the guy's shirt it's from the sex-tape). I got slightly pissed off when they said she was going to house arrest after 3 freaking days. I can't say I didn't expect it though. They released her due to "medical problems"
Yeah, right. It turns out it was all mental, like the mental problems that are associated with incarceration, like loneliness, fear, and not being able to go outside whenever you want to. IT'S FUCKING JAIL, BITCH! Yeah it sucks, but when you drive drunk as often as she did you should expect to do some time. In reality 45 days in county lockup translates into 15 days real time anyway. (Gotta love overcrowded jails) I was practically tap dancing when I found she was going back in. Bravo. Fucking BRAV-O!!!! That pampered bitch needs a huge dose of reality.


Reflection.


I can't stop thinking of what's going to happen on Sunday. My ex and I have been through hell together. This song comes to mind. (Long live Ozzy) I still love her, but I can't take her back. Trust is a hard thing to earn. It's even harder to earn back.

Work, U.P.S., and hot pockets.

Work.

What a day. I worked a 12+ hour day. I kind of fired someone today. I told this person that I am taking them off of the schedule so I could give the people who didn't have second jobs more hours. That was a lie and a half. The truth of the matter is that NOONE liked working with this person. He/She wasn't mean, or a bad person. They were just REALLY, REALLY, hard to work with. (how can you say that someone is AS DUMB AS A BAG OF DOORKNOBS in a nice way?....you can't) anyway... I did what I had to do. One of the pifalls of being in management I guess.

U.P.S.

UPS SUCKS ASS!

A few weeks ago my XBOX360 broke down. Now it is caught in UPS limbo. They tried to deliver it to my apartment, but they only deliver until 6pm. So, I arranged to have it delivered to my job. Did they send it to my job? NOPE!!! They sent it back to the repair center. I COULD BE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES RIGHT NOW! but some dumb ass didn't put the request through. If I don't get it by Saturday I may have to go postal on some people in brown uniforms. What can brown do for me? GIVE ME MY FUCKING XBOX BACK!

Hot pockets


I had hot pockets for breakfast this morning BIG MISTAKE! Why? I will let this guy explain.

THIS LOOKS HILARIOUS

This is plug for a movie I had NOTHING to do with. It's called Superbad and it looks hilarious. It doesn't come out until August though which makes me a little sad that I have to wait so long. Check out the red band trailer. Trust me on this.

Oi Vey.....

Rough day. I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Today at work I had a hard time keeping my shit together. I got weepy eyed reading a review for a romantic film. My ex-girlfriend called me to see if I wanted to go to the Gay Pride Parade. I bet you are wondering why she would ask me that seeing as neither of us are gay. You see, we always used the day of the parade to mark our anniversary. Our first kiss happened right before I went to work that night. I worked for a bar and we set a booth up along the parade route to sell beer to all in attendance. I had fun that night I was riding a high from the first kiss with the woman who I thought I would marry. I made lots of money that night too. I wore overalls with no shirt. The gay boys were loving it. That was eight years ago.
I agreed to meet her for lunch/drinks on Sunday. I'm not sure what her angle is. I wish I could say that she just wants to hang out. I wish I knew in my heart that she didn't want to get back together. I don't. I'm not sure what anyone wants of me these days. I don't want a relationship right now. I don't want to rekindle old flames, I'm not even that interested in sex right now (hard to believe I know). I just need to be me. I need to learn to love myself (insert gratuitous masturbation joke here) again. I need to find myself again. I think I need a vacation. I want a walkabout.

Back-slider

• I think I offended someone when I told them i don't like talking on the phone. If you are reading this I'm sorry.I really hate the telephone. Disembodied voices freak me out.


• I have been drinking too much again.


• I have been smoking.


• I talked to my ex (on the phone).It was a bit awkward but I was really drunk so it helped. It was good to hear that her love life is as bad as mine.


• I hate myself most of the time. Suicide sounds like a good idea, thankfully I'm lazy and I don't like the idea of other people having to clean up the shitty mess that would be my corpse.


• I have to go to work and pretend I'm a happy person. I'm not looking forward to it.


• It's 10:18 I still have to shower and shave.


• I cried for someone else so they wouldn't have to.

Blah, blah , blah, me , me , me , wah, wah, wah, I'm a sad sack these days. I realize this.

I might as well start wearing eyeliner and dressing like Jared Leto.( I actually like this song. does that make me a wanker?)