Live Earth, My thoughts.

I must say that this is one hell of a thing that Mr. Gore has put together. Out of the performances I have seen I must say that Smashing Pumpkins rocked the house. Billy Corgan is in fine form. Wolfmother(who I am listening to via the web as I type this) is a pretty bad ass band too, this is the first time I have heard them live and I have to admit I am really impressed.
Roger Waters reminded me why I still like Pink Floyd's older stuff more than I will ever like anything they did after he left the band. Out of what i have seen that is what I have been impressed by so far.

The Beastie Boys, usually a powerhouse live, didn't really impress me this time around.Ad Rock flubbed a couple of the words in Sabotage, maybe that was the last song in the set and they were tired, I don't know. I wish I had been there to see it for myself instead of seeing clips on TV. Bon Jovi proved that they are still a bunch of wankers, as did the Police when they brought out Kanye West (Who did a really good set by the way) and John Mayer. I have never been huge fan of the Police but they are respected enough that they really don't really NEED to share the stage with younger, hipper acts.

Metallica is on now and I just noticed that James Hetfield is starting to look like Tom Waits. (Maybe it's just me)

Limbo....

I feel strange today. The weather here has been strange. I read in the paper that in the past 35 days only 7 of them have been without rain. I like rainy days but this is too much. I miss the sun.
I could have died yesterday. Usually when people are spared from the big sleep they have some sort of epiphany, like, "Fuck, man, I could have DIED. FUUUCK! GOD has spared me for a reason. I am going to stop drinking and turn my life around. I'm going to help inner city children learn how to read. I am going to be the best motherfucker I can be! I am going to warn professional wrestlers about the dangers of steroids. I am going to get religion and witness to the masses!"
That didn't happen for me. I look at the scab on my right hand and nothing has changed. I have a good story. That's it. I'm the same guy. Is that normal? I don't know. I thought I would have some sense of purpose after yesterday. I don't. I'm just as confused as ever. My life is still in limbo. "Doubt" is still fucking with me. (Now more than ever)


Being a grown-up sucks!

My life flashed before my eyes yesterday.....

WOW,
Okay, while I was riding my bike home from work yesterday I got into a minor altercation with two things that frighten the hell out of me. The first being a large dog (possibly a boxer ) the second being a car. I was about two miles from home when the dog started chasing me. I panicked. To get away I cut across one half of the street to the median. Unfortunately for me when I got to the median my brakes didn't cooperate with me and I smacked into a car. I nearly caused an accident. The driver of the car I ran into did not see the dog I was trying to get away from. He asked if I needed an ambulance, I didn't. I skinned my right hand a little bit, it's a little swollen still but it's not broken. I pushed down on my hand with some insane amounts of pressure and it only hurt a little, and it doesn't hurt to move my hand so it's a pretty safe bet that there are no broken bones. (I hope) This would be the worst time for me to get a cast on my hand. I think I will be okay. I remember when my ex broke her hand it swelled up like a balloon and she had little to no dexterity. When it rains it pours. If I ever find the owner of that dog I might break my hand on their jaw.

Gluttony

Oh we are truly living in some strange times. This is considered a sport. I will admit that I love a good hot dog but really, why the fuck would anyone consider this a sport? All the news attention that this gets infuriates me just a bit.

A diversion is needed.

Okay, life has been so fucked up for me I need to take my mind off of things. "And how do you do that McNazty?" So glad you should ask! I bitch about the president!





SO! A few days ago President Skroob, er Bush commuted the sentence of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. His reason for for this was that he felt that the 30 month sentence was "excessive". This coming from the man who allowed 160+ people to death while he was the governor of Texas. What about them? Don't you think that maybe some of them desrved to have their cases looked at a second time? (At least a few of the people from Houston).

Blues Jam

They always pry,
They Always want to know why
And then they pull you in
And then you want to die


You'll burn so deep inside
And then it gets on top of you
It won't let you go

Believe me when I tell you
Life will not break your heart
It'll crush it

You never felt so good
You never felt so well
And then you open your heart right up

And say "come on in"
And that's when you stop breathing, man
And the bleeding will never end

Heart smasher
Knives in your mind


-Rollins Band

"Blues Jam"



#######


That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. This morning I found out that my mother is on life support. There is a tube running from her heart to her brain. I just got off the phone with one of my employees. The cat is out of the bag. People know that they are going to be out of a job soon. I feel like there is a HUGE FUCKING WEIGHT that has just been set on my shoulders. I just want to run away. Go to Alaska, Canada, anywhere but here and now. I don't know how much I can take. I feel sick, my heart is beating out of control, I'm tense. I want some serious fucking drugs (don't worry I won't be making any calls to the dope-man. I'm broke)

I'm a selfish bastard.....

When it rains it fucking pours. My little sister just called me. My Mother is in the hospital. She could die. The sad part of all of this is that (aside from the obvious...Mom dying thing.) the first thought in my head wasn't: "Oh fuck, Mom's gonna DIE!" No. My first thought was. "This is really going to fuck up my moving plans." I can't say this isn't expected, her health has been in the toilet since the mid 90's. Is it wrong for me to say that her timing SUCKS....(god that is SO WRONG of me.) "Hey mom can you wait another year to die when I am in a better place financially?" FUCK!!! I'm such a bastard for feeling this way.

Okay, I can do this, I can do this , I can do this, I can....

I'm trying my best not to freak out. I have decided to move to Chicago, Illinois when I am finished with my current job. I have been looking on Craig's list at rooms to rent. I have spent HOURS looking through ads and posting responses. So far the responses I have been getting are less than encouraging. It seems one person doesn't want to rent me a room because I am coming from out of state and they are afraid I would not follow through with my obligations. Another person only wanted to rent to a woman. Actually I have seen a lot of that and I have flagged every ad I have seen saying "women only" for discrimination. (One guy actually asked if I was male or female after I signed off with my name. I don't know ANY ladies with my name. This whole thing is daunting. There is this little voice in my head called "Doubt". Every time i start looking through ads for cheap housing, or a job. Doubt will chime in. Doubt will tell me I can't do this. Doubt will tell me that I am a loser. Doubt will tell me that I will end up freezing to death on the street in the middle of a Chi-town winter. Doubt tells me that I will have to move in with my parents in Missouri. Doubt SUCKS!

The almighty Rollins says that if you wanna see someplace new you just have to pack up and just GO. I am trying to keep this in mind. I'm trying to stick the middle finger in Doubt's face. But at times Doubt just stares at me indifferently. Other times Doubt laughs at me like a
mother-fucker sneering at me and showing me his bloody fangs because he just took a chunk out of my heart and ate it. I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack. I want to kick it in Chicago so bad. I just need to kick the shit out of that asshole named Doubt.

Last Night...

I went to The Proletariat with an old fried whom I have known since I first came to Houston. It was a good time. My throat is hoarse from "club speak" for 3+ hours. There was a really good band playing , and on the way to the club I stopped at a record shop that had a Rollins DVD I hadn't seen yet. All in all it was a great evening. There was only one snag. At one point in the evening I went to the bar to get a pint of beer.The standard procedure when ordering a drink at a bar ( the last time I checked ) was this: 1. Walk up to an empty space at the bar. 2. Wait for the bartender to acknowledge you and place your order.3 Pay, tip, and go on about your business. Apparently I had broken some sort of rule and cut in line. I got a stern talking too from some hipster girl who thought that she was important. "You didn't SEE the line of people waiting!?" She said. "NO" I said, then I noticed the large group of hipsters crowded up behind her. I just took a sip from my beer and walked away. Kids these days.


More later......